(801):

he said he had a bf but the monogamy was ‘only implied’

 (913)

My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits

(541)

they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn’t stop trying to unzip the paramedic’s pants

 (1-314)

You’re the worst gay friend ever.

(843) I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today

 (+61)

I have a new game. It’s called “how weird can you act before a guy won’t fuck you”. I’ve deducted most guys are willing even if you’re batshit insane.

 (507)

Puked in the trees in forest, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr

(260)

I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra

(365):

As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, “I’M NOT JUDGING YOU” over and over

(1-365): 

I was judging you